Of Hillbillies and Fat Kids

Most of us have a dirty little secret we don’t want anyone else to know. Some of us are having affairs. Some are shoplifting cigarette lighters from grocery stores. Hell, some even do cocaine! I’m here to tell you I understand. I am one of you, and it’s finally time to air those dirty panties once and for all.

I am a reality TV show addict and tired of pretending I went out clubbing on a Friday night, when I actually snuggled in front of the TV with a pack of cookies watching “I didn’t know I was pregnant”.

Oh yes, I am dreadfully ashamed of it, but it has become my daily, cheap fix of heroine. I don’t know, but there’s just something unexplainable about watching ugly, stupid people trying to get their life in control. It's ironically extremely empowering.

And the high just gets better when it’s a bunch of hillbillies hand fishing, snake hunting or looking for sasquatches. “Oh dangflabbit Lenny! I gots me a rattler!” Ah, it just never grows old.

I’m just so glad octomom wannabe “Kate plus 8” Kate Gosselin is off the air. I mean she raised eight kids on the show, in which she lost about 20 kilos, got Botox, divorced her husband and even took the kids to Hawaii. You just have to ask yourself, how screwed up do you need to be to raise eight toddlers on international TV?

Well, actually how screwed up am I to watch even when it’s ‘potty training day’?

Then of course, there are the ‘fat’ shows ranging from morbidly obese 12 year olds trying to walk up a hill to liposuctions and sponge baths (hubbahubba). Oh and of course, I just watch those for the sake of being ‘health wise’ and not at all because I like knowing there are people with much bigger issues than I with my flabby tummy...

Is it maybe then that these poor people are actually offering themselves up as martyrs? Using their gifts of stupidity, ugliness and desperation for us normal people to have a brighter outlook on life?

Dear lord, these people are heroes. Saving the common man thousands from shrinks, alcohol and chocolate therapy. And I thought they were selfish, egotistical hillbillies!

Not entirely. They have discovered a niche market where insecurities of people, such as myself are being exploited, leaving them rolling to the bank (pardon the pun fatsos).

Ruby Gettinger, a 320-kilo woman, started her show “Ruby” in 2008. The show marks her road to recovery and famous one-liner “I can’t remember my childhood because I am fat”. The show is The Style Network’s highest rated show and has gone on for four seasons. Through this time, she has continually lost a few kilos just to pick it up again.

I think it has officially gone to the point that she can’t actually lose the weight as then she loses her show, fame and easy salary as well. I call it ‘The fat girl syndrome’.

Maybe the new businessman isn’t one who wears slick suits with neatly gelled hair, but rather a man in a snakeskin fedora catching rattlesnakes on a horse. The femme fatale beauties that use to grace the screen have turned into “Abby and Brittany” the conjoined twins.

Oh god. We are such a screwed-up race.

Cape Town – Vancouver